Den som lyssnade på Alex Schulmans radioprogram i våras vet att han stör sig på många sorters människor. Tedrickare, nyktra människor, vegetarianer, i princip alla avvikande typer åker på en känga. Jag skulle kunna lägga till ganska många fler till den listan. Allergiker och cyklister till exempel. Fasansfulla, är vad de är. 

Sen slog det mig att många av mina bästa personer faktiskt är både en och två och tre av de grejerna, utan att vara det minsta stötiga. Helt enkelt för att de inte gör någon affär av det. Det är nämligen inte själva teet eller allergin eller sojakorven man stör sig på, utan AFFÄREN. Den STORA GREJEN. Det fasansfulla är människor som gör något avvikande och ska få alla andra, helt normala personer, att ofrivilligt engagera sig i den helt ointressanta avvikelsen och på så vis förstör hela det social samspel som måste fungera när människor umgås. För det hör också till saken, att de har människorna lider av/har valt något som är otroligt vanligt, men beter sig som att de var helt ensamma i världen om det. Och det är ta mig fan det värsta som finns. 

Nu ska jag go Magdalena Ribbing on your asses. Så här beter man sig för att inte driva sin omgivning till vansinne. 

Te: Man ber inte att få en kopp te om det inte erbjuds. Man säger bara artigt ”nej tack, det är bra” när någon erbjuder kaffe. Eller ännu hellre, tar emot kaffet men dricker det inte. Et voilà. Ingen affär alls. 

Vegetarian och andra självvalda dieter: Äter man ute finns ingen som helst poäng att prata om dieten. Man går dit majoriteten av sällskapet eller värden bestämmer och så beställer man något på menyn som passar ens självvalda utanförskap. Finns inget (vilket verkar osannolikt) beställer man det som är närmast och plockar bort det man av etiska/religiösa/hälsomässiga/smakmässiga skäl inte gillar och så får man äta sig mätt när man kommer hem. Man håller dock käften om det under hela processen. 

Om man blir bjuden på middag hemma hos någon tycker jag i princip att man lämnar sin diet hemma om inte värden uttryckligen frågar om det är något speciellt man önskar. Om man absolut inte kan göra avsteg från dieten är det bättre att inte gå bort på middag alls. 

Allergi: Som ovan. Det finns inga som helst skäl att prata om en allergi när man är på restaurang. Man frågar diskret servitrisen om det ar nötter eller något annat dödligt i maten när man beställer och anpassar sin beställning därefter. 

Blir man bjuden på middag bör man så snabbt som möjligt (alltså inte under själva middagen, utan flera dagar innan) meddela värden om vad man kommer att dö av och berätta hur man ersätter den livsfarliga substansen. Sen pratar man inte mer om det. 

Nykterhet: Likt i fallet med kaffe ovan finns ingen poäng med att prata om det alls. Ta glaset i handen, skåla och drick inte. Taktiken kan btw användas på i princip allt man bjuds på som man inte vill ha. Tacka, ta emot, ignorera. 

Det värsta är att jag efter den här enorma fallouten inser att nog ingen som läser den här bloggen tillhör den typen av människa jag riktar mig till, och att den här texten därför är helt meningslös. Nåja. 


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